The Cactus Juice Chronicles
by telleroftails-weaverofdreams
Summary: Pure, cracky oneshots of how characters from the Avatar world will act under the influence of Cactus Juice.


a/n: I tried to keep it in character. Probably didn't work. Oh yes, and it contains yaoi. And innuendos.

–

About five years after the war had ended, the world was finally relatively stable again. Property had been rebuilt, peace treaties signed, and the United Republic was created as a beacon of progress and unity between all the Nations. Everything was stable, and peaceful... and dreadfully boring.

"I wish we could do something fun." sighed Toph as she listlessly picked her toes. She turned to her older friends lounging in the newly constructed Air Temple Island and said, "I'm turning seventeen today. I wanna do something crazy for my birthday!"

"Hey, at least Zuko's getting the next few days off to come visit us." said Katara optimistically, "He'll be here soon, and we haven't seen him a while."

"How's that a good thing?" replied Toph petulantly, "Sparky'll probably just make us play Pai Sho, serve terrible tea and come up with aphorisms that make no sense for the rest of the evening."

"Yeah, sounds like something Prince Pouty would do." replied Sokka.

"I thought you nicknamed him 'Prince Ponytail'" said Aang.

"Well technically, it's 'Lord Ponytail' now."

"Stop guys. He doesn't even have a ponytail anymore! He wears a topknot now."

"Well, Sugar Queen, 'Lord Topknot' just doesn't have a nice ring to it."

"How about Lord Lightning," suggested Aang, "That sounds pretty epic."

"We don't want it to sound epic, we want it to sound demeaning."

"Wait, I got it!" said Sokka in excitement, "Lazy, loser, lardy-dardy, la-la Lord!"

"_Excuse me?_"

"Waah!" yelled Sokka whipping around to see a very enraged Fire Lord leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and sparks popping out from under his clenched fists.

"Oh, hey...Zuko. Erm, your Highness. Are you uh, doing well?"

"You haven't changed a bit since you were fifteen."

"What can I say? I'll be forever young." replied Sokka with mock arrogantly.

"I might be tempted to challenge to to another swordfighting match. Without a referee to save your neck this time around."

"Well ya know what? I will dominate 'cuz I have a better sword than you."

"How do you know, Snoozles?" asked Toph with a devious smirk.

"Well," said Sokka obliviously, "Mine is nice and heavy and dark and straight and made out of exotic stuff and his is stupid and light..._why are you cracking up?_"

"**HAHAHAH**! *_snort*_, heheh. Oh, Snoozles, you're such a meat head."

"Toph...please don't do that again." said Aang, looking a little bit green.

"Snoozles, how do you not get it? Even our resident monk gets it."

"Wait...oh. _Ohhhh_. _EWWWW!_ That was very unkind!" shouted Sokka indignantly.

"_Heheh_."

"Why do you feel the need to do that?" Sokka grumbled with a pout.

"What can I say? I'm really bored right now. It's my birthday and you guys didn't even bother to throw me a party. I mean, my dad even mailed me some stuff and he doesn't even know anything about me!"

"What did your dad give you?" asked Katara, with a knowing glance at the rest of their group.

"Five measly pieces of paper. AND A PAIR OF SHOES. The guy who sent it said that it was important and that I should keep it for some reason. No very considerate, huh?"

"Do you still have them?" asked Zuko.

"Yeah. Wait...are you guys hiding something?"

"Nope." said Sokka breezily, "Can you put on your shoes and let us see them?"

"You're lying! You made some stupid elaborate surprise plan for my birthday, didn't you!?"

"Fine, you caught us." sighed Sokka ruefully, "I guess I gotta brush up. I'm starting to lose my touch as the idea guy."

"What are we doing?"

"It's a surprise!" said Aang, "Come on, just put on the shoes!"

"*_Sigh*_. Fine." said Toph crossly as she stomped into the green wedges. "So making me wear shoes wasn't humiliating enough." she groused, "You had to make me where these stupid, uncomfortable high heels?"

"We need to make sure it's a complete surprise. You can't see anything!" said Katara as she excitedly grabbed hold of Toph and lead her shakily down the steps.

"This better be really good." muttered Toph as she stumbled and nearly fell down the flight of stairs.

–

Half an hour later, they were almost at their destination, when suddenly, Katara yanked off Toph's head piece and allowed her hair to spring outwards like a wild animal.

"Ow! What was that for?" snapped Toph, snatching back the headband with unnerving accuracy, despite have her seismic sense muffled by shoes.

"Tonight...we are going incognito!" declared Sokka as he ripped out his ponytail and immediately did the same to Zuko's topknot, "We will be normal people going to a normal place!"

"And where is this place we're going?"

"Nashinosake," said Zuko while ruefully rubbing the back of his head where Sokka had yanked out his hair tie, "That's what the paper your dad sent was. Coupons for it."

"Wh-"

"Take off the shoes Toph!" said Aang excitedly while pulling on a hat to cover his arrow, "We're there!"

When Toph took off her shoes, she immediately sensed that they were in a not-so-affluent part of Republic City. In fact...

"Are we at a bar?"

"Yup."

"_Sweeheeeet!_" whooped Toph, "You guys are the best! This is awesome! Now let's party!"

–

"Hey Katara! Hey Katara _looklooklook_!" said Sokka excitedly from their booth at the bar, "This is it! This is my discovery! We all have to try some!" he exclaimed, shoving the drink menu in her face.

"Oh Sokka!" snapped Katara, "You are **not** drinking that again!"

"What is it?" asked Toph.

"It's cactus juice! It was my idea to sell this in bars!" said Sokka proudly, "And look guys, the description even says: _'Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!'_

"What is that?" asked Zuko.

"You don't remember?...Oh wait. You weren't there." said Sokka, "Well, I drank some stuff out of a cactus when we got lost in the Si Wong Desert and it was alchoholic or something, cuz' it made me-"

"-into a complete moron." finished Toph, "And I wanted to try that stuff but Sugar Queen wouldn't let me!"

"And I'm still not letting you! That stuff is bad!"

"Not really! It's safe if it's refined!" disagreed Sokka as he sauntered to the bar, "You are all trying some!" he declared melodramatic, "Lest you be shunned by me..._FOREVER_!"

"I'm kinda disappointed I missed out on Sokka when he drank it for the first time." said Aang, "I bet it was pretty funny."

"It wasn't funny when we were trying to survive and we had to drag him along like dead weight!" said Katara crossly, "I can't believe he would do something so stupid!"

"I can." said Zuko bluntly, "'Stupid' is basically his middle name."

"Okay guys!" said Sokka as he suddenly bounded back with a tray of shotglasses and glass of murky, greenish-white liquid, "Let's do this!"

"Uh, Sokka...that doesn't look safe to drink..." said Aang dubiously, "Why don't we just order some rice wine or something?"

"Yes. That looks like expired milk."

"You are all wimps!" declared Toph as she snatched a shot glass, "Sokka, hit me! I'll try some."

"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" said Sokka as he poured both of them an ounce.

"On three." said Toph, "One, two three..."

Both of them knocked back their glass at the same time.

"You two are so..._Ugh!_ I have no words to describe your immaturity!" grumbled Katara.

"But I'm a big girl!" said Toph with a dopey grin, "_Wow Sokka!_ This is the best quencher in deh whooooole world!" she squealed. Then, she reached over and picked him off of his chair in a crushing bear hug.

"Hey...you're not on fire anymore." wheezed Sokka when Toph tossed him back in his seat, looking ridiculously dejected for a moment, "But Zuko is! Zuko...is deh...hottest guy around!" he said, looping one arm around Zuko's shoulders to pull him into a group hug. "Geddit? I made a joke!" he said, brightening up again.

"_I am not comfortable with this._" sputtered Zuko as Sokka latched onto him like an overly affectionate sloth monkey.

"You are be, no, _will_ be comfortable if ya...take a chance!" grinned Sokka as he quickly filled up the shotglasses and stuck one in Zuko' face.

"I'm the Fire Lord! I can't get drunk in the middle of a dingy bar!"

"But, you're, anomo..nomon...monous." mumbled Sokka, "Beside, it'll make Toph happy!"

"**YES!** I, Melon Lord, request my fellow companions to quench thine thirst." commanded Toph, flailing her arms into the air grandiosely, "And assist to...to conceive memorable recollections for my anniversary of emergence!"

Then she turned and unexpectedly pulled a woeful, cute puppy dog face. "_Pwitty pwitty pwitty pwease?_"

"Well, I guess it couldn't hurt if I just had a little sip..." replied Aang, reaching to take a glass, "It did make you more pleasant to be around-"

"Aang, stop it!" said Katara, snatching Aang's wrist away, "You guys are a terrible influence." she scolded.

"NO! We shall prevail! You'll rue the day you chose to *_hic_* defy Melon Lord! _**Mwahahaha**__.._. *_hic_* ...haha!"

"Sigh. If you think you'll _ever_ convince me to try that horrible, _disgusting_, vile, slimy..."

...

...

..

.

Somehow, they convinced her.

As well as the two others.

To drink **cactus juice.**

"_Wheeeeee!_ This is so much fun!" said Aang as he gleefully rocked from side to side at a breakneck pace.

"You're making me dizzy." mumbled Katara as she tried to track his movement with half-lidded eyes.

"_Everyone!_ The mushroom just told me a secret..." slurred Sokka conspiratorially as his group of friends leaned in with great interest.

Suddenly, Sokka leapt onto the table and bellowed to the entire bar: "Everyone have a round of...of..._whaddever_! On me!"

The bar broke out in cheers and immediately, the bartender scowled and streams of colorful wines and liquors danced around him as he waterbend drinks for the rabid patrons.

"Whoa! I'm gonna try that some day!" said Katara dreamily as she watched the bartender skillfully mix the liquids into a row of cups lining the counter.

"Hey Katara!" blurted Aang, looking very jealous, "I bet I can do that _fifteeeeen million_ times gooder."

"_I know you can_..." whispered Katara, turning around and staring at Aang with predatory look before tackling him into the wall.

"**Ewwwww!**" grumbled Sokka, "Can you not eat my sister's face in front of me!?"

Then, Aang and Katara disconnected with a disgusting pop, much like a plunger being sucked out of a toilet.

"_Actually_..." slurred Aang dazedly, "I think SHE'S eating my face more than I eating hers's..._yeah_."

"Go 'way! I don't wanna think about _oooooogie_ stuff."

"YEAH! Katara! Let's go away and dance! **_LIEK TEH WINNNND!_**" he bellowed as he hooped out of their booth and threw Katara in the air.

"_EEEEEK_! -oof" shrieked Katara in midair until Aang caught her bridal style.

"_Baby, will you be my forever gurl?_" he crooned as dipped her backwards and made smooching noises.

"YES!" cried Katara, passionately kissing him for the second time that evening.

"_URGH!_ Toph!" cried Sokka, burying his head into his arms. "Make them go away!"

"**Twinkysugartoequeen!**" snapped Toph, stabbing a finger in their direction, "If you don' gedda room...right now, Im'manna _crack_ that ring in your pocket! Righ' now!"

"_A room_? Whadda greeeeat idea!" giggled Katara, tugging the slightly confused looking Avatar to get a key.

"Not! Wha-_NO!_ _**COME BACK!**_" called Sokka desperately, trying to get up and falling on top of Zuko in the process, "Tha's my sister you stoopid-_AHHH!_ Is all your fault!" he shouted, pointing at Toph accusingly while still lying flat across a squirming Zuko's lap, "_YOU SUCK!_"

"Noddas much as you wanna." replied Toph with a leer.

"Go 'way! _Nobody loves you!_"

"Acturrrely..this dude." declared Toph, randomly grabbing the nearest hapless patron, "Right?" she asked him very soberly.

"Uh...sure. Who are you again?"

"You first, _pretty duuuuuuuude_!" she slurred while reaching up to ruffle his hair.

"K...Kanto." he stuttered, looking a bit wary of the fact that he just gave his name to an absolute stranger.

"Yay! Have some free quenchy!" said Toph while shoving a shot glass in his face.

"I'm fine...thanks." he said with a raised eyebrow while pushing away her insistant hand, "Are you even old enough to be drinking?"

"Yeah, bruh."

"Okay. I'll just...go over there." he said, hastily backing away, "Nice meeting you all."

"Haha!" laughed Sokka when Kanto left, "He does'n luuuuurv you."

"Yeah, does too!" she pouted, "I will prove it!" she exclaimed before budging her way into the crowd to follow her new muse.

When when was gone Sokka slumped down and sighed tiredly

"Get offa my lap." mumbled Zuko, knocking into Sokka's stomach with his knee.

"Ow. _Dat_, was not nice." grunted Sokka as he scrambled to get up. Then, he slouched down in his seat and sighed again. "We're _aaaaall_ alone again." he said dejectedly, looking into Zuko's amber eyes, "I'm sad."

Zuko stared back and nodded back very seriously, "I _toaaadally_ under...stand." he mumbled

"I reeeeeealy don' like bein' alone." slurred Sokka.

"Ya. 'S rough buddy." agreed Zuko, patting Sokka on the shoulder sympathetically.

"If I wanna girlfriend, you better be my wingman..." Sokka trailed off as he almost fell asleep on Zuko's shoulder.

"I'm gonna...get tea. To get awake." muttered Zuko as he disentagled himself and shuffled over to the bar.

Zuko's intention had been to get tea, but then some _very_, suspiciously familiar looking girl bought him a drink, then another, then another, until finally, he could barely see.

"I needa give...dis to my ferennd." he mumbled, clutching a cup of tea and finally managing to drive her off. But the moment he got off the stool, he toppled backwards into another slightly taller person and spilled the tea all over their front.

"Oops..." he sighed quietly as he thoughtlessly tried to wipe it dry with his bare hands.

"_You have pretty hair..._" slurred the person, tangling their hands in his hair and pulling his head forwards to sniff it.

"Aaaare ya drunk?" asked Zuko, leaning upwards and squinting to try and make out the details of his face. But the blurring colors blue and cinnamon were all that he could distinguish...

"Dunno." replied the unidentified person breezily as he squinted back, "Are you a girl?"

"Nooo..." muttered Zuko, not really processing that the question was insulting.

"_Ah!_ Screw it!" yelled the person suddenly as his lips crashed down on Zuko's.

Zuko's last concious thought was:_Tastes like leather and smoked meats..._

–

The next morning, Aang was the first of the five to wake. He sighed happily, feeling incredibly peaceful and and warm. Until he opened his eyes and sat up. Then, the world didn't feel so great anymore.

He clutched his head and groaned at the splitting headache that ripped through his skull like a herd of rabid Flopsies. Everything made it hurt more, from the tiny rustling noise of the bedcovers to the blinding sunlight from the inn's windows...

_Wait...INN!? _Why wasn't he at Air Temple Island? Why was he here! Where did he get the headache? What if they got captured! What if-

Suddenly, he broke out his self induced panic when he heard another low groan beside him...coming from Katara...who was stark naked.

"Flying hogmonkeys!" shouted Aang as he tried to scramble away in alarm and fell out of the bed with a _thud_.

"_AHHH!_" shrieked Katara, instantly waking up as well. Then, she noticed Aang, who was tangled up in blankets on the floor. He met her eyes with a similar look of disbelief.

Before he could stop himself, Aang blurted out, "_**Did we do it?**_"

Katara looked down and stare at the stained bedspread for a long moment. "I believe, we did." she finally sighed with resignation while clutching her head against the oncoming migrain, "_Ooh_, I am going to KILL Sokka and Toph."

"Was I...You know..._good?_" asked Aang, blushing furiously.

"I think...I don't really remember." replied Katara, her face heating up as well, "Come on, we should try to find the others." she said awkwardly as she climbed out of bed and pulled on her clothes as fast as humanly possible.

–

Aang and Katara slowly and painfully walked down the stairs and into the horribly bright, sunny street outside, hoping that the other three simply left to go home.

"Let's just go back and check out Air Temple Island." said Katara, "They might have just gone back without us."

"Yeah. Hey, wait a minute..." said Aang, noticing something suspicious in the shadowy alleyway across the street, "Is that green I see?"

"Yeah," said Katara, squinting to get a better look.

"Let's check it out." said Aang, cautiously crossing the street.

Upon closer inspection, the green smear that Aang had seen was indeed Toph (_fully clothed, thank the spirits_), who was smiling sweetly in her sleep...and surrounded by about a dozen grown men who were all covered in blood, and bruises, and knocked out cold.

"_Toph_...Toph, wake up." said Aang, lightly slapping her face to no avail.

"Here, let me." said Katara, using waterbending to condense about half an ounce of water from the surrounding air. Then, she made it into a small sphere and dropped the whole thing on Toph's face.

"**EEEEEEEEEEK!**" screamed Toph as she snapped awake and immediately punched a boulder at Katara.

"Toph! It's us!" said Katara, dodging the boulder by a hair.

"Wha...What's going on?" asked Toph as she sat up and scratched her messy hair.

"You tell us! Why are you surrounded by a bunch of unconscious men?"

"How should I know?"

"Well you're here!"

"I probably got in a fight or something! You gotta problem, Sugar Queen?"

"Can you two please stop talking so loud?" said Aang weakly, "I feel like complete lemur-crap right now."

"Sorry, sorry. Hey, do you know where my brother and Zuko are?" Katara asked Toph.

"Last I saw, they were getting all touchy feely with each other."

"Toph, _not funny._"

"Hey, I'm being dead serious right now."

"Okay, we've _gotta_ find them."

"They're probably still at the bar. Or a room." she grinned.

"Let's just go." snapped Katara, stomping huffily back to the bar.

As Toph and Aang followed suite, Toph grumbled, "You know Twinkletoes, this is the one instance I'm actually glad you walk so lightly. A pissy Katara feels like a herd of Gorillephants stomping around under my feet right now."

"Hey, I heard that!"

–

The first think that stuck out to Aang was the fact that the room was smoky and smelled like burning cloth. The second was that that two of his male best friends were spooning each other without any clothes on. He froze, not entirely if what he was seeing was real, until...

"_AHHH! EWWW! AANG YOU DEAL WITH THEM!_" shrieked Katara as she peered into the room and immediatly ducked back out again.

Her shriek awakened Zuko, who started and looked around in confusion for a moment, before he yelled out as well and frantically pushed Sokka off of him. Zuko accidentally rolled onto the floor with a _grunt_ and immediately scrambled away as fast as he could, trying to cover himself at the same time.

"**GAHHH!**" yelled Sokka as he came awake as well, "What...how? _Uuugh..._"

"Okay, you know what?" said Katara queasily as she slammed the door and dragged Toph down the hallway, "Get us when you're decent."

Inside the smoking room, Aang covered his eyes and said, "Can you guys please put on some clothes and tell me when you're dressed...so maybe I can pretend that I didn't see any of that?"

Sokka and Zuko were mortified as they scrambled around hastily pulling on clothing. At least, Sokka was.

"Uh...I think we kind of have a problem..."

"What, Sokka?" asked Aang without uncovering his eyes.

"Zuko doesn't have any clothes."

"Then tell him to put some on!"

"No...I mean, I think Zuko accidentally lit all his clothes on fire."

"WHAT!" exclaimed Aang, uncovering his eyes then immediately wished he didn't once he caught sight of Zuko, wrapped in the smouldering blankets and flushing red as a tomato.

"Can I borrow something to wear?" mumbled Zuko, burying his head in his arms and rocking back and forth with humiliation.

Aang stared at him, trying really hard not to laugh. "Are you serious? 'cuz you can borrow my sash, and I'm sure Katara can give you her pants since she wears that long dress." he snickered gleefully.

"_Uuuugh_...You guys are never gonna let me live this down, are you."

"You know it!" said Sokka brightly, then immediately winced as his head gave another painful throb, "Okay, I'm getting my sister. KATARA!" he called, sliding open the door.

"What? Are you finally ready?" she replied irritably.

"Actually...erm...I don't know how to ask this..."

"Just spit it out, Snoozles."

"_CanZukoborrowyourpants?_"

"WHAT!?"

"He accidentally lit his on fire."

"_Mother of..._How did he manage to do that?" snapped Katara incredulously as she entered their room again.

–

Later that day, the group of five shuffled their way back to Air Temple Island, feeling very queasy and hung over. Currently, they were boarding a ferry by the docks.

"Welp. That was some birthday party, huh Toph?"

"Yeah! Other than the fact that my head's about to split open, it was great!"

"_Ow_." hissed Zuko, wincing as he hobbled along bowleggedly, "I am **never** going to drink alcohol again."

"I don't know, I mean, it made you pretty-"

"**SHUT UP!**"

"Okay, okay...yeesh, it isn't that big-"

"_How is it not a big deal!?_ I just fornicated with you when I should have found a girl because I still need to produce heirs! And I could have accidentally burned down the inn! What were you thinking you moron!?"

"Zuko, stop shouting. You're causing a scene." hissed Katara, "People are starting to stare."

"Actually, they've been staring for a while now." said Aang unhelpfully, "I mean, Zuko does look a little out of place with those tiny pants and orange sash and no shoes."

"What are you talking about? I think he looks great!" said Toph with a smirk.

"None of you are funny." grumbled Zuko mutinously.

"Wait, Zuko..." said Katara, gesturing to the corner of his mouth, "You have a little...dried, uh..."

"_**URRGH!**_" he groused, angrily scrubbing at it with a corner of the sash.

"Zuko," objected Aang, looking very sickened, "Please don't use my sash to clean that."

Zuko scowled and began picking at it with his fingers.

"Hey, it's still on there," said Sokka mischeiviously, "Maybe you should moisten it first."

The black glower that Zuko sent his way would have made a sensible person quail, but Sokka simply smirked back. In response, Zuko set the ends of Sokka's hair on fire and limped off in a rage.

"AHHH! Katara, put it out!" yelled Sokka as he frantically shook his head from side to side, causing the flames to leap up even higher.

"No. It was your fault for provoking him." huffed Katara, grabbing Aang's arm and tugging him away self righteously.

"Jump in the bay, Snoozles." suggested Toph.

Sokka, seeing no other options, hurled himself overboard.

**_SPLASH!_**

"_Ah-hah-hah...s...s...s'cold._" he chattered while dragging himself onto the anchor of the ferry. "T-toph-ph, c-can you m-metal b-bend me u-up?"

"You are such a moron." sighed Toph while haphazardly flinging her arm in the air, causing the metal anchor to shoot skywards, bringing Sokka with it.

"_Aaaah!_" yelled Sokka as he sailed high into the air, then landed hard on his behind, right next to Toph.

"_Ooooh._..I am going to get them back for that..." growled Sokka, glowering at three's retreating backs.

"Cactus juice again?" asked Toph with a smirk.

"Ho yeah. They'd better watch what they put in their mouths now..." replied Sokka with a vengeful grin, "They should know better than to insult Sokka and his partner in crime!"

–

a/n: feel free to request any other characters that you want to see on cactus juice. AND REVIEW!


End file.
